Summer 2012 Newsletter

Loving Vaisnava Exchanges

Differences can be aying, we have all experienced it. Differences of opinion, differences in taste,
differences in mannerism, differences in needs......
"If only the whole world would be like me things would go so much smoother, right?"
"What, you think the whole world should be like you?"
"Houston, we have a problem!"
In every type of relationship, and especially marriages, differences can be a challenge.
How often have we heard the term, "irreconcilable differences" and seen the sad result which follow. There is a vast amount of marital research which shows many of these irreconcilable differences can be reconciled through mutual understanding and respect. One of these differences is how we accept and receive loving affection.
In the pastimes of Lord Caitanya we can observe how the mellows of affection are manifest in incredibly different ways. Jagadananda Pandit's love was manifest as a desire to give the Lord gifts to aid the Lord's comfort. This was so important to Jadananda that he locked himself up and fasted for days when the Lord Caitanya did not accept his offering of sandal wood oil. Damodara has such a strong desire to serve the Lord by protecting him from criticism that he would even chastise the Lord out of transcendental love. As minute parts of the Supreme Whole we also have very unique and individual ways of reciprocating love with Krsna and His devotees.
In this article we would like to examine how we can understand, respect and honor the affectionate propensities of our spouses and ourselves. By learning to understand our own heart and affectionately touch each other hearts we will one day be able to touch the heart of Krsna.
Do the following short quiz to find out what your language of love is. Have your partner do it also, so you will know what their's is.

Click here for the Languages of Love and Appreciation Quiz

Loving exchanges Between Vaisnavas at the home of Partha and Uttama, GVT members

Loving Exchanges between Vaisnavas

Srila Prabhupada describes how the living entity is only happy when they have someone to love. We understand from scripture what types of services Krsna wants from us. Read through the short descriptions of the 5 broad categores below and find ways to offer vaisnava loving exchanges to your spouse, children and friends according to the type of exchange that would be most pleasing to them.
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation: Compliments, words of encouragement, and "requests rather than demands" all affirm the self-worth of your spouse.
  • Finish this sentence regarding your spouse, and then say these things to him/her: "I love and appreciate you because ________________________________________________________________________."
Love Language #2 Quality Time: Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy being with each other. (Sharing confidences are two of Srila Rupa Goswami's Six Loving Exchanges.) When was the last time you gave your spouse your undivided attention?
  • Think of two ways you could share quality time with your spouse in the next few days…with chores and tasks on standby, the cell phone off, knife and fork down, etc.
1. ___________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________
Love Language #3 Receiving Gifts: Giving and receiving gifts are two of Srila Rupa Goswami's Six Loving Exchanges.Gifts are visual symbols of love, whether they are items you purchased or made, or are merely your own presence make available to your spouse. Gifts demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship.
  • Work up a list of appreciated gifts you have given your spouse in the past. Beyond that, seek more input from others who know his/her tastes. Now decide to give one token of love, however small, in line with those preferences each week for the next month.
Love Language #4 Acts of Service: Criticism of your spouse's failure to do things for you may be an indication that "acts of service" is your primary love language. Acts of service should never be coerced but should be freely given and received, and completed as requested.
  • Pick four tasks that you wish your spouse would do for you. Be ready to receive the same, and work out adjustments that are based on mutual love rather than coercion or a legalistic swap. Keep practical schedules in mind.
1. ________________________________________ 2. _______________________________________
3. __________________________________________ 4. ________________________________________
Love Language #5: Physical Touch: Physical touch, as a love language, it is a powerful form of communication even from the smallest touch on the shoulder. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of adults. Consider how attitudes and paradigms from ISKCON, your family and the outside world have affected your attitudes about touch and affection.
We all like most of these exchanges, but there will be one, that if it is missing from our lives, we will not feel that our spouse or parents really love us. We are all different and just because we may really feel appreciated when someone gives us a small gift, another may not; they may be need words of appreciation. You may treat all your children the same but may find that one child thinks you don't love them as much as the others. It may be that you are not speaking their particular love language often enough, while you may be speaking those of your other children. Finding out which love language to use can go along way to making others feel loved and appreciated.

Dear Grhastha Coach

At what point in a relationship do you know that you are ready to get married? I really want to know because I am trying to consider marriage now.
Krsna's servant

Dear Krsna's Servant,

When you have the blessings of your elders (guru, parents, etc.) and when you are ready to be responsible, then as Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur has stated, "marriage is a good institution for a vaisnava." The grhastha asrama is a very good place for spiritual growth. It is best if you work on yourself -first-- to be the husband of the kind of spouse you want. Don't be like the man who wants his wife to be like Sitadevi when he is not ready to be like Rama. Understand that marriage -- spiritual, conscious marriage means being a better servant.
This is a very important point. Prepare yourself mentally by taking care to be steady and regular in your chanting and your sadhana, devotional practices. Are you as regulated as you would like? Do you read Srila Prabhupada's books daily? Do you make a sincere effort to keep yourself in good association?
Prepare yourself physically by ensuring that you have some employment or are acquiring some education to be able to have the resources to take care of a family. Read the story of Kardama Muni and Devahuti in the Srimad Bhagwatam and read some other good books about marriage and family and about healthy communication. Finally, consult with elders you trust in your community about their experiences.
And, there should be preparation for the couple beforehand in addition to your personal preparation. If at all possible, have a mature, healthy couple, a mentor couple, work with you and the Vaisnavi to prepare you with good communication skills, help you look realistically at the responsibility of married life, help you establish goals, talk about being parents and what particular desires you have in this regard and other relevant relationship topics including intimacy and finance.
You and the young lady should be compatible and if possible, you can have a Vaisnava astrologer do a compatibility chart. I do not see astrology as the absolute authority, though so be very prayerful and use reasonable sense in interpreting the results. Srila Prabhupada has suggested that around 26 years of age is a good age for men and from 16 onward is a good age for girls.
A man who is serious about his spiritual growth and connection with Krsna should honestly see himself as an instrument to care for one of Krsna's precious parts and parcels. Likewise, a woman should consider herself the same. In a healthy spiritual marriage, we get what we want-- some enjoyment and a companion and a caring friend who will help us develop in spiritual life-- And Krsna gets what he wants -- a blessed arena for raising children and a couple who will support spiritual life wherever they are. (This support comes from them giving in charity and being good examples.)
The Grhastha Vision Team (GVT) is about to publish a book "Heart and Soul Connection: A Devotional Guide to Marriage, Service and Love." When this book comes out, we will let you know because you will want to get a copy. Please see our website at www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org for some very helpful articles on this topic.
I hope this introduction helps as you consider your readiness for marriage.
Your Grhastha Coach
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--
Yours
Dinesh
Blog:http://dinesh-krsna.blogspot.com

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