[Vaishnava Family Resources] Newsletter September 2012

Posted by dinesh

Newsletter September 2012

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September 2012 Newsletter

Better Japa, Better Marriage by Arcana-siddhi devi dasi

Recently someone asked me, " What causes a husband and wife who once seemed so happy together to become one another's worst enemy". While I could have given a very elaborate answer, I replied, "Our material conditioning." The questioner then asked, "Is there anything one can do to change their material conditioning?"

Conditioning is indeed difficult to change. Education and awareness are certainly helpful, but ultimately the most efficacious way to change our conditioned responses to life's unpredictable provocations is our spiritual practices.

In the japa retreats I've helped to facilitate, we would pose two questions. " How do you feel after a morning of focused attentive japa?" And "How do you feel after a morning of unfocused, inattentive japa or no japa?" The responses were all similar. Responses to the first question included adjectives such as peaceful, happy, fulfilled, resilient, kind, compassionate, understanding. Adjectives to describe their feelings after a bad japa day included, scattered, depressed, unproductive, guilty, angry, anxious, over-reactive and moody.

From my experience working with couples, I have found that couples who have strong spiritual practices get along together better than couples who have little or no sadhana. Good sadhana helps us to transcend our conditioning and develop good qualities such as compassion and humility. We develop an attitude of service as opposed to exploitation.

Good sadhana also enhances our ability to listen with the objective to understand our spouse as opposed to listening to defeat our spouse in an argument. We will also have more willingness to take good instruction from others as to how to have a healthy and happy Krsna-centered marriage and to take those instructions to heart.

Dear Grihastha Coach

I have a question that I hope you will be able to answer. How does a person know if their feelings are love? You wrote before about infatuation, my question is specifically about love.

Wants to know.

Dear Wants,

Your inquiry, "How do I know it's love?" is relevant to many. Let's examine this issue of love in our relationships. The foundation for understanding the principle of love is to realize that Krsna, God, is Love Personified. When we experience genuine love, we are experiencing in essence, the substance of God. Therefore, real love can never be disconnected from God.

Here are some general truths about love: When it's love we feel better about ourselves; we feel lovable and capable, validated and worthwhile. When we are loved, we feel safe. In a relationship therefore, if we are feeling unsafe, it is probably not true love.

And because love -- especially in a marriage or premarital relationship, should be reciprocal—each person in a relationship should feel loved and worthwhile. If it's not reciprocal, mutually beneficial, then it's like the old song says: "I found love on a two way street—but lost it on a lonely highway"

Take the mini test below if you are in a relationship—either married or premarital:

Yes No

Do you feel that you can trust or depend on your spouse/mate?
Do you feel that your spouse can trust or depend on you?
Are you good friends?
Do you feel you would die without your spouse/mate?
Is your spouse/mate the only person who can make you happy?
Are most of the problems in your relationship due to the unreasonableness or lack of understanding of your spouse?
Are you honest with your spouse?
Is your spouse honest with you?
Do you talk openly and honestly about your feelings and your concerns?
Do you forgive mistakes?
Does your spouse forgive mistakes?
Are you afraid of your spouse?
Is your spouse afraid of you?
Does your spouse ever abandon you in an unsafe place or situation?
Do you ever abandon your spouse in an unsafe place or situation?
Do you ever humiliate your spouse/mate?
Does your spouse ever humiliate you?
Do you express anger in healthy ways?
Do you feel that you have to constantly prove your love?
Does either of you touch each other in ways that are uncomfortable?

Marriage and Family Educators and other family professionals have found that Love is demonstrated when you can answer yes to #s 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and 18. AND, when you can answer no to 4, 5, 6, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17, 19, 20.

We must add a very important question to this list which has so much to do with creating and maintaining a lasting, healthy relationship: Is there a spiritual or principle-based foundation that you both agree on? Do you both acknowledge and practice a God-conscious lifestyle? The answer to this should be a resounding, Yes!

No matter who or where you are, genuine loving relationships are characterized by healthy communication, honesty, respect, friendship, trust, forgiveness, appreciation and compassion.

Hope this sheds some light on your question.

Your Grihastha Coach

Would you like to read more articles?
http://www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org/articles

The GVT is a grass roots volunteer group of Krishna devotees who are mostly mental health or educational professionals. Our intention is to provide resources to support married couples and prospective couples primarily in ISKCON communities.

We want to help spiritualize your married life so that it will be an asset for your Krishna consciousness. We offer skill building marriage courses, weekend retreats, premarital education by skype, phone etc, and marital counseling. We also offer mentor training seminars for those who would like to help others.

Grhastha Vision Team members will be presenting 3 courses in the upcoming months in the Cleveland OH area.

1. A 2 day comprehensive mentor couple training to certify healthy married couples as marriage mentor/educators.

2. A Parenting training for parents and all chldcare providers that gives skills, techniques, tools and encouragement to help you become a premium parent who raises children that are truthful, clean, compassionate, self-disciplined servant-leaders;

3. Singles Evaluating Life and Family: The SELF Healthy Relationship course for unmarried individuals.

If interested, please contact Krsnanandini devi dasi at info@dzfi.org.