March  2012 Newsletter

Expand Your Skills

Dear Grihastha Coach

Changing Colors

 Infatuation: Reality or illusion?  You Choose

                                                                           
by Krsnanandini devi dasi,

Co-director, Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute

Certified Family Life Educator (CFLE)

"Strange that some of us, with quick alternate vision, see beyond our infatuations, and even while we rave on the heights, behold the wide plain where our persistent self pauses and awaits us." George Elliot

"Oh I just really like him.  He's so cute.  Just seeing him makes me get goosebumps."  These words, overheard from two young ladies walking down the street one bright summer afternoon, caused me to reflect on my own youthful experiences, being infatuated with someone.  Unfortunately, quite often, people, young and old mistake infatuation for love.  For sincere servants of Krsna, it is important to understand the difference.                                                                                               .                          

What is infatuation?  The dictionary describes infatuation as a great, often temporary and irrational passion or longing for someone or something.   The key words here are temporary and irrational.  If you've ever heard someone say they had a "crush" on a particular person, they were talking about infatuation. 

Irrationality and temporariness distinguish infatuation from  genuine love. As one anonymous observer put it, "The essence of love begins when infatuation ends." Infatuation puts a sense of urgency in the atmosphere; it seems to happen all at once.  It is an uncertain time and frequently brings jealousies and insecurities.  It can be an emotional roller coaster; one day you're on top of the world because the object of your affections smiled at you; the next day you're in the dumps because they didn't call.  Like a shadow of real love, infatuation is generally based on superficial, external things—appearance, sound of voice, the way someone walks, etc.

Infatuation isn't always bad.

 Infatuation is sometimes nature's way of getting people together. It gets people attracted to one another and adds a little spice to relationships.   For some, infatuation is the first stage of the journey to love. Wise people who have studied relationships have concluded that all relationships generally follow the same basic process:

1.  The Wow! stage which can last from 1 hour to 2 years.  In this stage, the relationship is exciting and frequently distracting.  This is where infatuation is prominent.  The skill for healthy relationships is to enjoy this stage -- but be realistic.  Know that you may well be looking out of rose tinted glasses. 

2.  The next stage is Discovery, you notice differences and disagree but usually don't say anything because you don't want to hurt or disappoint the other person.  You're getting to really know the other person.  Excitement and anxiety are prominent.  The important skill for this stage is the ability to communicate and be truthful.

3.  The third broad category in the Relationship process is deciding if you will proceed to have a stronger bond, be a couple or go your separate ways.  Sometimes labeled the Me or We stage, the skills you need to negotiate this stage are reflective listening and respectful speaking along with the ability to resolve conflict in win-win ways. Your feelings may fluctuate from hope to confusion to anxiety to a genuine caring about the other.

4.  For couples who decide to separate, the relationship of course ends.  For those who choose to go further, the next stage is commitment where you get engaged and then married.  You choose to be with the other person based on mutual respect and appreciation, open and honest communication and shared spiritual goals or values.

But infatuation can be dangerous

It may have you "throw caution to the wind" and do and say things you ought not do or say.  It may color your expectations about what a real relationship should be.  During the infatuation period, the attraction to the other person is so strong, your good judgment may take a backseat to irrationality. 

It is helpful if you subscribe to principles of behavior that will protect you.  

Like Sitarani was advised not to step outside of the circle of protection that Laksmana created for her.  As long as she 

remained in the circle of divine protection, she could not be touched by the demon Ravana.  So commitments like chanting Hare Krsna everyday, not being alone in a solitary place with the opposite sex and observing time boundaries for interaction are powerful principles that will protect us.  This is also where good association comes in.  You seek the advice of elders, seasoned devotees and parents who can help you separate the glitter from the gold. 

Real love grows slowly and enriches the lives of lover and beloved.  It's based on trust, respect, truthfulness, appreciation, kindness, and compassion.  There can actually be no real love where there is no connection and acknowledgement of Krsna as the source of all love.

In Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krsna declares that "those who are seers of the truth have declared that of the non-existent there is no endurance and of the existent, there is no cessation.  This seers have declared by studying the nature of both."   Infatuation due to its flickering and temporary nature cannot be trusted, but if one allows the energy of infatuation to propel one to spiritual depth and connectivity, then it can grow into lasting love.  Then it's real..
 

Expand Your Skills

Join us at the upcoming Festival of Inspiration

in May in NewVrndavana. We'll have a seminar on Parenting, another on Japa Meditaion: the Key to Positive Healthy Relationships and one on Loving Vaisnava Exchanges.

Dear Grhastha Coach,
 

My wife and I have been married for five years. We have two children and both of us work as computer professionals. She and I were initiated before we were married and in general get along well.  Lately, though we are disagreeing more and more about finances.  I want to give more money to support some of the projects in Srila Prabhupada's mission and she is concerned about increasing our savings for family emergencies. I recently read where one of the primary duties of grhasthas is to give in charity and I want to start doing this on a regular basis.  We disagree on the amount and where to place the charity. Can you help?

Determined to give

Dear Determined,

Yours is an interesting dilemma.  On the one hand, you want to start to give regularly in charity and on the other your wife wants to save for family emergencies.  Both  giving in charity and saving for family emergencies are very important in family life. You both sound like sincere devotees and I appreciate your asking for assistance.

The foremost acharya of Gaudiya Vaisnavism, Srila Rupa Goswami has demonstrated how to solve this dilemma.  He gave 50% of his income in charity to support Krsna consciousness, 25% to care for family and 25% for emergencies.  Once Lord Caitanya was asked by Satyaraja Khan, one of his grhastha devotees,  "What is the duty of a grhastha?  The Supreme Lord, Caitanya Mahaprabhu replied, "Chant Hare Krsna and serve the Vaisnavas..  One way we can serve the Vaisnavas is by regularly giving in charity, to temples, projects, and individual devotees engaged in service to Sri Sri Radha-Krsna.

Specifically, Srila Prabhupada emphasized that for householders,  charity, self-control and sacrifice  (purport, Bh. Gita, 16:1-3) are the main items of surrender to Krsna.

Sometimes, devotees are bewildered how to give 50%; Sometimes they say that they don't make enough income to give 50%.  The idea is that as long as one genuinely accepts this principle in one's heart and endeavors to steadily give in charity, Krsna will accept the devotee's efforts and help them to keep growing. 

So, we of the Grhastha Vision Team encourage everyone to start with at least 10%.  Find a devotional cause or mission and support it.  For example, one local temple or nama hatta program should be regularly supported and there are others like cow protection,  sannayasis, Vaisnava projects (e.g. the Grhastha Vision Team and the Festival of India or the Festival of Inspiration, etc.) that exist by the kind contributions of thoughtful devotees.  Steadiness and regularity in giving in charity is so important.

You and your wife can sit down and after reading together Srila Prabhupada's comments in Bhagavad gita, compromise.  Agree to save something for family emergencies and agree on a regular amount of charity.  You can start at a certain percentage and increase over time.  Again, remember that steadiness is very, very important.  Both of you can suggest two or three missions or projects that you want to support, put them in a hat and pull out one, two or three to begin to support.

One devotee I know doesn't have much income but she faithfully gives $51 per month in charity to support Srila Prabhupada's first center in America, 26 2nd Avenue in New York.

If devotees everywhere took seriously this commitment to give in charity, the Krsna conscious mission would indeed flourish more rapidly.  Hope this helps.  Write back and let us know what you decide.

In services to the Vaisnavas,

Your Grhastha Coach

Refreshing Brahmacari Ashram Newsletter

"Less saffron, but not less bhakti."

I was delighted to receive this encouraging newsletter along with this picture and caption, from Nitai Rama, the leader of the Canadian Brahmacari Training Center in Halifax, NS. Below is the article along with Nitai Rama's reply to my, (Uttama dasi) husband when he asked if we could share his article with our readers. 

Hare Krsna Partha Prabhu,

Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

Thank you for your very encouraging feedback on the newsletter. I think it is so unfortunate that you are still encountering negativity towards the grhastha ashram. Devotees who speak negatively must be lacking deep personal relationships with (and genuine care for) those who change their ashram. I say this because I can see how Dhruva, Yogendra and Matt are benefitting from their change of ashram. As a friend and someone who cares for them, I am happy for them. It seems like such a simple thing.

I would be very happy if you share the newsIetter article with others,

Hope all is well. All glories to your service.

Your servant,
Nitai Rama dasa

Changing Colors

"Then again there are four orders of life, namely the student life, the householder's life, the retired and the devotional life. In the best interest of human society there must be such divisions of life, otherwise no social institution can grow in a healthy state. And in each and every one of the above mentioned divisions of life, the aim must be to please the supreme authority of the Personality of Godhead."  (Srimad Bhagavatam 1.2.13, purport)

The truth is, it's not all about being a monk. If we consider the important role of the brahmacari ashram, our vision must include the long term benefits to a healthy society of devotees. Many, if not most men who take to brahmacarya will eventually feel the call to family life. Rightly so, because the brahmacari ashram has an integral part to play in the formation and stability of strong family values. The simple life of devotion and austerity that they live now will empower and maintain them throughout their entire lives. These men who are chanting, dancing and serving with so much enthusiasm and abandon may one day return to the world from which they turned away, but with a different understanding. Now they are devotees of Krishna and their happiness will never be sought through worldliness. They are here to usher in the culture of Krishna consciousness that continues to spread around the world. This is, for the most part, the duty of the grhasta ashram.

Having said all that, it is hardly easy to bid farewell to our brothers with whom we have shared such memories and experiences. The type of friendship forged amongst the brahmacaris can hardly be found anywhere else. This separation can only be tolerated because we remain united through a greater mission. We continue to work together to build a true society with Krishna in the center, as described and envisioned by Srila Prabhupada. United in purpose, we continue to serve the sankirtan mission of Lord Caitanya Mahaprabhu.

It is our pleasure, although mixed with the sadness of separation, to announce that Dhruva dasa, Yogendra dasa and Bhakta Matt have all chosen to further their spiritual progress in the grhastha ashram. We are sure that they will become very responsible family men and will continue to render valuable service to the International Society for Krishna Consciousness. They will be missed in the brahmacari ashram, but the gain goes to our society of devotees. Dhruva prabhu is now living in ISKCON Montreal and has joined the team of dedicated pujaris for Sri Sri Radha Manohara. Yogendra prabhu is now in ISKCON Toronto, the largest community in Canada. He is serving with dedication along with the tireless Madhavendra-puri prabhu and his temple team. We will still have the direct company of Bhakta Matt for some time as he stays in the brahmacari ashram while continuing his education. Please give them all your blessings in devotional service.

Your servant,
Nitai Rama dasa

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