"Krishna's Sense Gratification" Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.1.26 Honolulu, May 26, 1976 download  flash player   Take a test Prabhupada: So, Srimad-Bhagavatam, Sixth Canto, First Chapter, text number twenty-six. (chants verse responsively with devotees) bhunjanah prapiban khadan balakam sneha-yantritah bhojayan payayan mudho na vedagatam antakam  [SB 6.1.26] So this is the general way of life. Everyone is engaged in these material activities, and the basic principle of material activity is grhastha, family life. Family life, according to Vedic system, or anywhere, is responsible life to maintain the wife, children. Everyone is engaged. They think this is the only duty. "To maintain the family, that is my duty. As comfortably as possible. That is my duty." One does not think that this kind of duty is performed even by animals. They have got also children, and they feed. What is the difference? Therefore here the word used is mudha. Mudha means ass. One who is engaged in such duties, bhunjanah prapiban khadan. Prapiban. Prapiban means drinking, and bhunjanah means eating. While eating, while drinking, khadan, while chewing, carva casya raja preya (?). There are four kinds of eatables. Sometimes we chew, sometimes we lick up, (Sanskrit) sometimes we swallow, and sometimes we drink. So there are four kinds of foodstuff. Therefore we sing catuh vidha sri-bhagavat-prasadat. Catuh vidha means four kinds. So we offer to the Deities so many foodstuffs within these four categories. Something is chewed, something is licked up, something is swallowed. In that way. So bhunjanah prapiban khadan balakam sneha-yantritah. The father and mother takes care of the children, how to give them foodstuffs. We have seen mother Yasoda is feeding Krsna. Same thing. This is the difference. We are feeding ordinary child, which is done by cats and dogs also, but mother Yasoda is feeding Krsna. The same process. The process there is no difference, but one is the Krsna center and other is whimsical center. That is the difference. When it is Krsna-centered, then it is spiritual, and when it is whimsical centered, then it is material. There is no difference between material... This is the difference. There is... Just like lusty desires and love, pure love. What is the difference between lusty desires and pure love? Here we are mixing, man and woman, mixing with lusty desires, and Krsna is also mixing with the gopis. Superficially they look the same thing. Yet what is the difference? So this difference has been explained by the author of Caitanya-caritamrta, that what is the difference between lusty desires and love? That has been explained. He has said, atmendriya-priti-vancha-tare bali 'kama' [Cc. Adi 4.165], "When I want to satisfy my senses, that is kama." But krsnendriya-priti-iccha dhare 'prema' nama, "And when we want to satisfy the senses of Krsna, then it is love, prema." That is the difference. Here in this material world there is no love because the man and woman, they have no idea that "I mix with the man, the man who satisfies desires with me." No. "I will satisfy my desires." This is the basic principle. The man is thinking that "Mixing with this woman, I'll satisfy my sense desire," and woman is thinking that "By mixing with this man, I shall satisfy my desire." Therefore it is very prominent in the Western countries, as soon as there is difficulty in personal sense gratification, immediately divorce. This is the psychological, why so many divorces in this country. The root cause is that "As soon as I don't find satisfaction, then I don't want." That is stated in the Srimad-Bhagavatam: dam-patyam ratim eva hi. In this age, husband and wife means sex satisfaction, personal. There is no question of that "We shall live together; we shall satisfy Krsna by being trained up how to satisfy Krsna." That is Krsna consciousness movement. Don't do anything for your personal sense gratification. Do everything for Krsna's sense gratification. Just like the gopis, they used to go to Krsna. These gopis, they were married, because in India twelve years, thirteen years girls are married still. I've told many incidences. So from childhood they are friends, small children, but the girls are married early, so they go to their husband's place, thirteen, fourteen years. But because they had, they prayed to Katyayani when they're not married, they prayed to Katyayani that "Krsna is so beautiful. Please give me Krsna as my husband." Krsna is all-attractive, so Krsna fulfilled their desire, and that is vastranam. Of course, these things are not to be publicly discussed, but still you are little interested in Krsna. So all the gopis, girls, before their marriage, they prayed to Katyayani that "You give me Krsna as my husband." So Krsna..., it is not possible socially, but Krsna makes such a plan that He accepted every one of them as His wife. That is vastrana-lila. Vastrana-lila, the girls were taking bath in the Yamuna, keeping their clothing, garments, on the shore. Still in India, especially in Punjab, the practice is that where the women take bath, strictly no man can go there because they put their clothings on the shore and they dip into the water naked. So this was being done, and Krsna took their clothings and got up on the tree. So they begged Krsna, their friend, "Krsna, this is very bad. Why You have taken away our..." "No, you beg the clothes with folded hands, then I shall give you." (laughter) So you have read this story, you do not require, but the idea is that "You wanted Me, all of you, as your husband. Now I'm fulfilling your desire. I'm seeing you naked." Because a woman can be naked only before the husband. No one else. This is chastity. A woman cannot be naked anywhere, just like in the club, naked dance. This is most abominable. Woman can be naked only before the husband. [break] ...brahmana. That will be explained. He was brahmana. He was well trained as a brahmana, but one day while he was coming home with the ingredients of worshiping the Deity, he saw one sudra embracing another sudra girl, embracing, kissing, because they have no shame. No brahmana, ksatriya, vaisya will do that. It is not etiquette. But because a sudra, now it is everywhere we can see, embracing, kissing, open to everyone. So young man, seeing this, how he can restrain, check his lusty desire? It is not possible. Kali-yuga is so fallen. If a young man sees another young man he's enjoying with another young girl, then naturally his lusty desires increases. So these things are forbidden therefore. Still in some places it is forbidden that you cannot... India this is strictly forbidden. There is no such thing in the public street a young man can embrace or kiss. No. That is not possible. Then it will be criminal. Neither a young boy can dare to speak with another young girl on the street. Still it is criminal. She'll begin immediately protest that is incivility. So the whole civilization is how to restrict this sex desire. Because... Why restriction? Because the sex desire, sex life, will keep him within this material world in different bodies, either as human being or as animal or as bird or as insect -- so long there will be this sex desire. To become free, to become liberated means to become liberated from sex desire. That's all. This is the basic principle. Not that this tantra-yoga, how to increase sex desires. This is not civilization. Civilization is how to cut down sex desire and ultimately become free, paramahamsa. That is civilization according to Vedic culture. Therefore the training from the very beginning, brahmacari. Brahmacari is instructed in such a way that he'll remain brahmacari throughout the whole life. A brahmacari is open to accept either a grhastha asrama or vanaprastha asrama or sannyasa asrama, but the guru advises, "Better remain all through brahmacari. No botheration." So he's trained properly, but still if he has desire, then he's allowed to become a grhastha. That is also for a limited time. The whole plan is how to stop, because as soon as here, that Ajamila, he was not properly married, he became the husband of a prostitute. But there are ten children, but he's entangled with the family, with children, and now he's engaged bhunjanah prapiban khadan balakam sneha-yantritah, one after another. First of all sex desire, pumsah striya mithuni-bhavam etam [SB 5.5.8]. This world, what is this world, material world? The material means sex desire. That's all. The woman is hunting after man, and the man is hunting after woman. Either in human society or bird society or beast society or dog society or cat society, the principle is sex. And the human society means to understand this, that what is the basic principle of material life. If we understand it is sex, therefore we have to cut down the sex desire gradually by becoming brahmacari, grhastha, vanaprastha, sannyasa. This is the process. Otherwise, if I do not know what is the cause of my material bondage, then how we can take remedy? This is the cause, pumsah striya mithuni-bhavam etam. The desire is there. As soon as one is grown up, reaching youthful time, the sex desire is very strong, very strong. So they unite, a man..., a boy finds out a girl, a girl finds out a boy. They unite, and there is sex, and as soon as there is sex then there is bondage. Immediately. Pumsah striya mithuni-bhavam etam tayor mitha. As soon as they unite, then the relation becomes very tight, very strong. Then, as soon as one is married, or unmarried -- generally speaking married -- then he wants apartment. Ato grha. Grha means apartment. So long he remains brahmacari there is no need of apartment. He can dine right out on the street. (laughter) But as soon as they're joined together, immediately apartment, grha. Then how to maintain the apartment? Then he must have land. Because formerly there was no industry. Everyone must produce his own food by tilling the field. So to produce food he must have some land. So land was available, still available. One can produce. But they have left that process of livelihood. They are taking to industry. So ato grha. First of all apartment, then ksetra. Ksetra means agricultural land. Then some capital. Ato grha-ksetra. Then as soon as they're married they, at least woman, wants some child, children. Ato grha-ksetra-suta-apta. After, if he has got very nice apartment and good condition of living, then he'll invite some friends, "Please come and see our happily living." (laughter) And one after another -- bondage. One after another. Because if you're opulent, you have to show your friends. Otherwise what is your opulence? If your friends do not come and say, "Oh, you're so wonderful. (laughter) Yes. You have got such a nice wife, nice apartment. Wonderful!" Because in the Kali-yuga this is wonderful. Everything is mentioned in sastra. Daksyam kutumba-bharanam. If one can maintain one wife and some children, ah, he's most expert. (laughs) Forget Krsna. Here is expert. (laughter) Daksa means expert. "Oh, he's expert. How he's maintaining." When I first came, I met one elderly lady. She had a son. So, as Indian I asked, "Oh, why don't you get your son married?" She replied, "Oh, I have no objection. If he can maintain a wife I have no objection." That means to maintain a wife is a very big job in your country. I've seen it. (laughter) Of course, when we talk we must talk freely. (laughter) That is a fact. (laughter) But formerly, in our father's age, they used to come to foreign countries and they thought it, it is a great laugh to possess one white wife. Yes, they are thinking like that. So all the students who used to come to England for higher studies, naturally he'd carry one white elephant. (laughter) They used to say -- it is not my coined words -- they used to say, "Oh, to maintain European wife, it is like maintaining white elephant." So anyway, you have got so many white elephants. (laughter) So this is the way, ato grha-ksetra-suta-apta, friends. Arjuna was lamenting, "My dear Krsna, You are asking me to fight with my relatives. Then suppose I become victorious and they're killed. Then whom I shall show the kingdom?" That was his objection. (laughter) "If everyone is killed on the other side, my friends and relatives, and suppose I become victorious, then whom I shall show my prosperity?" So apta, suta, ato grha-ksetra-suta-apta and vitta and money. It is one after another. First wife, then apartment, then field for agriculture, then friends, then children, then money, bank balance. In this way he does not know he's becoming entangled more and more. Ato grha-ksetra-suta-apta-vittaih, janasya moho 'yam. He's thinking that "Now everything is settled up; I am very happy." And next day death comes and kicks him out: "Get out!" That he does not understand. That he does not understand, that "Any moment death can come and kick me out of all this arrangement." That is ignorance. That is foolishness. So here, bhojayan payayan mudho na veda agatam antakam. He was eighty-eight years old. So he was busy in maintaining the family, children, everything. But he never thought that "Death will come all of a sudden without waiting for my settle everything." That is the eighth wonder. This question was asked by Dharmaraja to Yudhisthira Maharaja: "What are the wonders, the most wonderful wonders? What is that?" So he said, "This is the most wonderful thing." "What is that?" Ahany ahani gacchanti lokani yama-mandiram. Every moment we see that someone is going to the court of Yamaraja -- that means death. That is our experience, everything. Ahany ahani lokani gacchanti yama-mandiram sesah sthitam icchanti. Sesah, who is not yet dead, he's still alive, he thinks, "I will never die. My dear friend is dying. That's all right. But I'll... Your father is dead. No, still I will be..." Sesah sthitam icchanti kim ascaryam atah param. This is the most wonderful thing that we have experience, that "My father is dead, my father's father is dead, so I shall also be die, my sons will die." Well, who will stay? Well, what is the struggle for existence, survival of the fittest? He never thinks of it. This is the eighth wonder. Thank you very much. Devotees: Jaya! (end)   >>> Ref. VedaBase => Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.1.26 -- Honolulu, May 26, 1976 HOME

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Srila Prabhupada speaks on: "Krishna's Sense Gratification"

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"Don't Be a Hypocrite" Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.1.23 Honolulu, May 23, 1976 download  flash player   Take a test Prabhupada: Srimad-Bhagavatam, Canto Six, Chapter One, verse number 23. (devotees repeat) evam nivasatas tasya lalayanasya tat-sutan kalo 'tyagan mahan rajann astasityayusah samah  [SB 6.1.23] So in this way the Ajamila, he practiced this unfair way of livelihood. Bandy-aksaih kaitavais cauryair garhitam vrttim asthitah. So vrtti means livelihood. If one adopts abominable livelihood, there is no, I mean to say, hope of spiritual advancement, finished because... We have learned from Bhagavad-gita. Arjuna says Krsna, param brahma param dhama pavitram paramam bhavan [Bg. 10.12]. "Krsna, you are the Supreme Brahman, param dhama, the supreme resort of everything, and pavitram paramam bhavan, and the supreme pure." So nobody can approach Krsna if he's impure. That is not possible. In the Bhagavad-gita still it is said, yesam tu anta-gatam papam: "One who is free from all contamination of sinful activities, yesam anta-gatam papam jananam punya-karmanam, "simply engaged in pious activities only," te, "such persons," dvanda-moha-nirmukta, "without any doubt and duality," bhajante mam drdha-vratah, "with fixed up mind he can become Krsna conscious." So this Ajamila, he learned all this nonsense, abominable way of livelihood. And therefore his example is given, how he was downtrodden and fallen. Still by the grace of Narayana how he was elevated, that is the itihasa, history, which is, Suta Gosvami is citing, how Krsna consciousness is powerful. That is the motive of narrating Ajamila udha, delivering Ajamila. So here it is said, evam nivasatas tasya lalayanasya tat-sutan. Everyone is tat-sutan, his children. Even one big economic, economist professor, Prof. Marshall, he says... I was student of economics in the Marshall book. He says that economic development begins out of family affection. Family affection. That is the basis. That was his understanding, that nobody would work for livelihood unless he is attached in family. That is his proposition. So here he was attached to the family. Lalayanasya tat-sutan. Atah grha-ksetra sutapta vittaih [SB 5.5.8]. Material bondage is that family affection. It is not that one has to give up this procedure. No, that is not. The Vedic civilization is so nice that you accept the platform which is suitable for you, brahmacari, grhastha, vanaprastha, sannyasa. The spiritual... These are called asrama. Asrama means where spiritual culture is practiced. That is called asrama. Perhaps you know this asrama word. Asrama means... It is not a place for sense gratification. It is a place for advancing in Krsna conscious. That is asrama. So there are four asramas for your spiritual cultivation: brahmacari, grhastha... Grhastha is also asrama, family. That is also asrama. If the grhastha life is meant for cultivating Krsna consciousness, it is all right. This is asrama. Grhastha asrama, then retired life, vanaprastha. Although grhastha asrama is allowed, but not for all the time, that up to the death, no. That is not allowed. After fiftieth year... Twenty-five years to fiftieth year the young man's spirit is there, the sex power is strong, so the grhastha-asrama is a concession for satisfying sex, that's all. But not more than fifty years. Then you must give up. That is the Vedic civilization. You accept grhastha asrama. Up to twenty-fifth year you remain a brahmacari, learn from guru how to become brahmacari, guru-kula. Brahmacari gurukule vasan danta, how to practice self-control, sense control. A brahmacari is forbidden to see even young girl. Even the spiritual master's wife is young... Sometimes spiritual master is considered as mother. Adau mata guru-patni. There are seven mothers. So real mother, adau mata... Guru-patni, the spiritual master's wife, she is also mother. Adau mata guru-patni brahmani. The wife of a brahmana is mother. Actually every woman is mother. That is moral instruction. Matrvat para-daresu. Anyone, any woman who is not your wife, except your wife, every woman is to be considered as mother. This is education. The nutshell of education is defined by Canakya Pandita that "Who is pandita, learned?" So he does not say that one who has passed MA, PhD, DAC, no. He doesn't say that. He says, "Any person who has learned to see like this." What is that? Matrvat para-daresu: "Everyone's wife should be considered..." Para-dara. Para means others' wife. Matrvat, mother. Therefore the Vedic system is, when we address another woman, "Mother," no other address. "Mother, can I do this? Would you like this?" The address should be "Mother." Practice. This is practice, the brahmacari's practice. He goes to every householder's wife: "Mother, give me some..." Just like this child. If he is taught from the very beginning of his life that "Address all women as mother..." That training and intermingling with anyone, then it is a different training. That is brahmacari. So brahmacari is taught that how he should behave in society, what is the aim of life. That is brahmacari. Matrvat para-daresu. Para-dravyesu lostravat. And other's property? Just like garbage. Nobody goes. But I have seen. Nowadays garbage is also tackled. I have seen in Hong Kong, one woman is finding out something valuable from the garbage. This is Kali-yuga. It is untouchable, but still, people are trying to get something from the garbage, so downtrodden, this Kali-yuga. So matrvat para-daresu para-dravyesu lostravat, atmavat sarva-bhutesu: "All other living entities think like yourself." That means your pains and pleasure, as you feel, you should take up others' pains and pleasure, not that you protect yourself from all danger and you cut the throat of the poor animals on the plea that it has no soul. This is not education. This is education, that whether the animal has soul or not soul we shall consider later on. But when knife is on my throat I cry, and he also cries. Why shall I say that "It has no soul, and let me kill it"? So that means he does not know how to see other living entities like himself. Buddha philosophy is based on this, that "Whatever you feel, pain, you should not inflict to others." This is education. Matrvat para-daresu para-dravyesu lostravat atmavat. So this is moral education, and in the sastra it is also said that there are seven mothers. adau mata guru-patni brahmani raja-patnika dhenur dhatri tatha prthvi sapteti matari smrta  Real mother and guru-patni, the wife of spiritual master or teacher... Adau mata guru-patni, brahmani, the wife of a brahmana. And raja-patnika, the queen, she is also mother. Dhenu, cow. Dhenur dhatri, nurse. Dhenur dhatri, tatha prthvi, as well as the earth. Earth is mother because they are giving us so many things, fruit, flowers, grains for our eating. Mother gives for eating. Cow gives us milk. This is sense. But if one becomes addicted to prostitute-hunting then he'll be fallen. That is the example. Then he'll become thief, rascal, cheater, drunkard, and so on, so on, so on. Why? Now, only for maintaining the family. The family maintenance, the cats and dogs, they also do, the birds also do, but they do not do anything unnatural. A bird maintains his children, brings some fruit or something in the mouth and puts into the mouth of the small kiddies. So that is natural. But why one should take unfair means for maintaining family? This is culture. This is culture. So but nowadays they have manufactured. "Necessity has no law." "I require money, so somehow or other I must have it. Let me adopt this means, that means." No. So evam nivasatas tasya lalayanasya. The lalayanasya tat-sutan. So without understanding what is the duty of human being, because he is fallen, so we should not bother for maintaining our family and children till the time of death. No. Up to twenty-five years. A brahmacari is trained to refrain from sex life. That is brahmacari, celibacy. But if he is still not able, then he is allowed to accept grhastha life. There is no cheating, hypocrisy, that I proclaim myself as brahmacari or sannyasi, and I secretly do all nonsense. This is hypocrisy. The hypocrisy life will not make one advance in spiritual life. That is the example given by Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu. His personal associate you know, Chota Haridasa, Junior Haridasa. He was a very nice singer, so he was singing in the assembly of Caitanya Mahaprabhu, and one day he went to beg some rice from Sikhi Mahiti's sister, and there was a young woman, and he lustfully saw there. That is sometimes natural. But Caitanya Mahaprabhu understand that. Just to teach us, while He was eating, He said, "Who brought this rice?" "Chota Haridasa." "So ask him not to see Me anymore. Finish." Everyone was surprised. "What happened?" Then by inquiry it was found that he lustfully saw on young woman. So just... Caitanya Mahaprabhu is so strict that He rejected him from His associates. Then other big, big devotees requested him that "He has committed some mistake, and please excuse him. He is your servant." So Caitanya Mahaprabhu said, "All right, then you bring him back. You live with him. I am leaving this place. I am leaving this place." They said, "No, sir, we shall not raise this question anymore." So when this Chota Haridasa found it impossible to again go into the assembly of Caitanya Mahaprabhu, he found it hopelessness. Then he went to Triveni and committed suicide. So Caitanya Mahaprabhu knows everything. Then, sometimes after, He inquired, "What about Chota Haridasa?" Somebody said, "Sir, You rejected him. Out of disappointment, he has committed suicide in the..." "Oh, that's nice." Just see how strict. "That's nice." He never expect (expressed?) any, any sympathy: "Oh, I rejected this person and he has committed suicide?" Oh. No, He said, "That's nice. That's all right." He said like that. This is one thing. Another thing, Sivananda, one of His very exalted devotee, he was taking care of all devotees who were coming to Caitanya Mahaprabhu to visit during Ratha-yatra. So his wife came and offered Caitanya Mahaprabhu obeisances, and he saw that the wife is pregnant. So immediately asked, "Sivananda, your wife is pregnant." "Yes". "All right, when she gives birth to a child, you keep his name like that." Now see. One man, simply he saw with lusty desire to a young (woman) man; he was rejected. And one man has his wife pregnant; He adored him: "That's all right." So sex life is not forbidden in this movement but hypocrisy is forbidden. If you become hypocrite, then there is nowhere to... That is Caitanya Mahaprabhu's teaching. Chota Haridasa, he presented himself as a brahmacari and he was looking after a young woman. Then He understood, "He is a hypocrite. Reject him." And Sivananda Sena, he was a grhastha. Grhastha must have children. What is wrong there? He said, "Yes, my remnants of foodstuff should be given." This is Caitanya Mahaprabhu's movement. So our request is, don't be hypocrite. There are four asramas, brahmacari, grhastha, vanaprastha, sannyasa. Whichever asrama is suitable for you, you accept, but sincere. Don't be hypocrite. If you think that you want sex, all right, you marry and remain like a gentleman. Don't be hypocrite. This is Caitanya Mahaprabhu's movement. He did not like hypocrisy. Nobody likes. But for a person who is seriously engaged in Krsna consciousness movement, for him sex life and material opulence is not very good. That is Caitanya Mahaprabhu's opinion. Param param jigamisor bhava..., niskincanasya bhajanonmukhasya, param param... Therefore voluntarily Caitanya Mahaprabhu accepted sannyasa. He was very nicely situated in His family life. When He was family man, He married twice. One wife died; He married again. So Caitanya Mahaprabhu taught us not to become... But when He took sannyasa, He was very, very strict. No woman could come very near to Him. From distance... This is Caitanya Mahaprabhu's teaching. So you have to follow strictly the rules and regulation. If you are serious, then this is Caitanya Mahaprabhu's movement. niskincanasya bhagavad-bhajanonmukhasya param param jigamisor bhava-sagarasya visayinam sandarsanam atha yositam ca ha hanta hanta visa-bhaksanato 'py asadhu  [Cc. Madhya 11.8] Those who are determined that "In this life we shall finish this material way of life, or material..." That is real struggle for existence. Actually everyone is trying. Material life means it is full of distress, duhkhalayam. Krsna says. So so long you'll prolong this material way of life, that is called struggle for existence. The "struggle for existence" and "survival of the fittest," this word is very common but nobody knows what is that struggle for existence and what is the platform of becoming fittest. Nobody knows. It is we are preaching that "If you remain in this material world, then struggle for existence will continue." And fittest means one who has come to the spiritual platform, he is fittest to survive. What is survival? Who is going to survive? Do you mean to say by cultivating health culture, very strong, you'll survive? Nobody will survive. So who will survive? Only Krsna conscious. If he is strictly Krsna conscious, then he will survive. Tyaktva deham punar janma naiti mam eti [Bg. 4.9]. The Krsna conscious person who has studied Krsna only, nothing more, perfectly, that is fit. This body also, this body is not permanent. That's a fact. But tyaktva deham, after giving up this body no more material body; spiritual body, sac-cid-ananda-vigrahah [Bs. 5.1]. So we should be very serious. We should not fall down from the standard of Vedic culture. If you are actually serious about stopping this... Manah-sasthanindriyani prakrti-sthani karsati [Bg. 15.7]. This is struggle for existence. In this material world everyone is struggling to survive. But who is surviving? That way, materialistic way of life, will not help you to survive. That is... Prakrteh kriyamanani [Bg. 3.27]. Nature is so strong that you must die. "I am very strong." You may be very strong, that's all right, but you must. There is a, I mean to say, joking story that one man thought, "How to avoid death?" Just like Hiranyakasipu. So he thought that "Yamaraja is the superintendent of death. He comes to take, so I shall make such policy that he may not come to me." What is that policy? "So bring some stool. I shall smear over my body, and out of bad smell, he'll not come." So he began to smear stool on his body at the time of death. So this is going on. They are making body very stout and strong so they'll survive. Nobody will survive, sir, unless he is Krsna conscious. Thank you very much. (end)   >>> Ref. VedaBase => Srimad-Bhagavatam 6.1.23 -- Honolulu, May 23, 1976 HOME

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Srila Prabhupada speaks on: "Don't Be a Hypocrite"

Empty vessels make more noise though filled vessels can make some sound sometimes.

Assertive Communication

Do you have trouble saying no, even when you really should?

Do you feel like people walk all over you?

Do you have trouble keeping your temper under control?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you might find it really helpful to learn about assertive communication. Read on …

I. What is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others.

• It's not aggressiveness, it's a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat.
  

• It's dependent on a feeling of self-efficacy, a sense that if you behave in a certain way, something predictable will occur. 
  
  
• Where does non-assertive behavior come from? Many of us are taught that we should always please and/or defer to others, that it is not nice to consider our own needs above those of others, or that we shouldn't "make waves", that if someone says or does something that we don't like, we should just be quiet and try to stay away from that person in the future.

II. Why is Assertiveness Important?

If you don't know how to be assertive, you might experience --

• Depression. From anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no control over your life. 
  
  
• Resentment. Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me.

• Frustration. How could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?
  
  
• Temper/violence. If you can't express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows
  .
  
• Anxiety, which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.
  
  
• Poor relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It's murder for a relationship when the partners can't tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. No one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships and work relationships.
  
  
• Physical complaints. Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all know what stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a great stress reliever.
  
  
• Parenting problems. Kids are born knowing how to test the limits their parents set for them. If parents aren't assertive and firm, their kids will walk all over them!

A note about selective assertiveness:

Most people find it easier to be assertive in some situations than in others. This makes perfect sense. It's a lot easier to hold your ground with a stranger than with someone you love who might get angry if you express your true feelings. But the more important the relationship is to you, the more important it is to be assertive. Assertive behaviors lead to increased respect from others, their willingness to see you as a person who respects him/herself, a worthwhile person, a more loveable person!

Is assertiveness always the best way to go? Before you decide to act assertively in a given situation, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences. Although assertive behavior usually will result in a positive response, some people might react negatively to it. For example, if your boss is completely unreasonable and is known to go ballistic if anyone dares question his orders, even non-aggressive, respectful, assertive behavior might set him off and you could lose your job. If that's your situation, then you may decide you can't afford to be assertive, and learn other stress management techniques.

Setting the stage: If you're planning to try assertive behavior, remember that the other person is used to your behaving in a certain way, and may be thrown for a loop or thoroughly confused when you change your communication style. Why not tell the other person up front what you're trying to do? It helps to choose a peaceful moment for this. Then you might say something like

"I need to tell you something and I'd like you to hear me out before you comment. I've noticed lately that after we've been working on a project together, I find myself feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I've been thinking about it and I've realized that I often go along with your ideas, without insisting on considering some of my ideas as well, because I'm afraid of upsetting you. From now on I'm going to try something different. When I start to get those frustrated feelings, I'm going to ask that we stop before making a final decision and be sure we have considered all the options. I know that will be a change for you, but I really think it's fair and I know I'll do a better job and feel better about myself if I can tell you about my ideas." How can anyone argue with that statement?

III. Techniques:

Okay, here's another example of an assertive communication. Read it, and then we'll discuss the different parts of it.

"I've noticed that whenever we're preparing to go somewhere, you start rushing me to finish dressing as soon as you're ready, even if it's not yet the time we had planned to leave. I know you get anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not, but when you do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood to have a good time. From now on, let's be sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go to another room and read the paper or watch TV? From now on, if you come into the bedroom or bathroom before it's time to leave and start asking me to hurry up, I'm just going to remind you of the time, ask you to go to another room, and close the door until I'm ready. I know this is going to seem weird at first, but I bet we'll enjoy our outings a lot more over the long run."

A: There are three parts of each assertive intervention:

1. empathy/validation: Try to say something that shows your understanding of the other person's feelings. This shows them that you're not trying to pick a fight, and it takes the wind out of their sails. From the above example, "I know that you get anxious when you're all ready to go and I'm not … ."
   
   
2. statement of problem: This piece describes your difficulty/dissatisfaction, tells why you need something to change. For example, "… but when you do that, I get all flustered and take even more time. By the time we get in the car, we're mad at each other and not much in the mood to have a good time."
   
   
3. statement of what you want: This is a specific request for a specific change in the other person's behavior. For example, "From now on, let's be sure we know what time we want to leave, and if you're ready before I am, will you please just go to another room and read the paper or watch TV?"

B: How to be effectively assertive:

• Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.
  

• Use "I" statements. Keep the focus on the problem you're having, not on accusing or blaming the other person. Example: "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption." instead of "You're always interrupting my stories!"
  
  
• Use facts, not judgments. Example: "Your punctuation needs work and your formatting is inconsistent" instead of "This is sloppy work." or "Did you know that shirt has some spots?" instead of "You're not going out looking like THAT, are you?"
  
  
• Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. Example: "I get angry when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." or "I believe the best policy is to…" instead of "The only sensible thing is to …"
  
  
• Make clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to say no. Example: "Will you please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind … ?" or "Why don't you … ?"
  
  
• Special techniques for difficult situations:
  
  
  • Broken record: Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice. Don't get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic. 
    Example: You are taking something back to a store that you know gives refunds, but the clerk first questions your decision, tries to imply that there's something wrong with you because you changed your mind, tells you that she can only give a store credit, etc. Using the broken record, you walk into the store and say "I decided I don't need this and I'd like my money back." Then no matter what the clerk says, you keep repeating "I decided I don't need this and I'd like my money back." If she doesn't get it, simply ask to speak to a manager and say the same thing. Trust me, it works!
    
    
  • Fogging: This is a way to deflect negative, manipulative criticism. You agree with some of the fact, but retain the right to choose your behavior. 
    Example: Mom: "Your skirt is awfully short, don't you think you should wear longer skirts? They're the style now." You: "You're right, skirts are longer now." Agree with as much of the facts as you want to, but don't agree to change your skirt length. Fogging is great for avoiding fights and making people stop criticizing. With significant others, when you need to keep living together, it's best to quietly hear them out, then assertively give your response.
    
    
  • Content to Process Shift:: This means that you stop talking about the problem and bring up, instead, how the other person is behaving RIGHT NOW. Use it when someone's not listening or trying to use humor or a distraction to avoid the issue.
    Example: "You're getting off the point. I'm starting to feel frustrated because I feel like you're not listening."

   

  • Defusing: Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue.
    Example: "I can see that you're upset, and I can even understand part of your reaction. Let's talk about this later." Also, if they try to stay with it, you always have the right to walk away. 
    
    
  • Assertive inquiry/stop action: This is similar to the content to process shift. "Let's hold it for a minute, something isn't working, what just happened?, how did we get into this argument?" This helps to identify the real issue when the argument is actually about something bigger than the immediate topic.
    Example:
    • "Can you help me with this statistics problem?
      
    • Man, will you just get off my back? You know how much I have to do today!
      
    • Why is it such a problem to take 15 minutes to help me with this? You told me last night that you would!
      
    • I get so tired of you always asking me to do these things right when I'm in the middle of something!
      
    • Whoa, let's take a break here. How did we get from my stats problem to you being tired of my interruptions?"
      

The real problem is not the stats problem, it's timing. Now that topic is open for discussion and they're becoming aware of how their arguments escalate.

• Summarization: This helps to make sure you're understanding the other person.Example: "So what you're trying to tell me is ... ."
  
  
• Specificity: It's really important to be very clear about what you want done. This helps prevent distractions. Example: "The thing I really wish is that you'd pick your clothes up off the floor."

IV. Some Final Points:

One of the most common problems in communications is caused by trying to read people's minds or expecting them to read yours. If you want people to respond to your ideas and needs, you have to be able to say what they are, and say it in a way that will make others want to respond nicely. Do you remember the self-efficacy part from the beginning of this piece? The belief that if you do something in a particular way, you will be effective? Even if you don't believe that now, but you muster your courage and try some of these techniques in situations that are not hugely threatening, the results will probably be so encouraging that you will begin to believe in your effectiveness. If it's really scary to think about being assertive, try it first with people you don't know. Think of someone you know who is assertive and pretend you are that person. Once you become comfortable with assertive behaviors in less threatening situations, you can crank it up a notch and use it all the time. When assertiveness becomes a habit, you will wonder how you ever got along before you started using it. The nicest thing about all of this is that after you've become truly assertive, you probably won't need to use these techniques very much. As people practice assertive communication, you can almost see that little spark of self-respect glimmer, flicker, take hold, and burst into flame. People can sense it when you respect yourself, and they will treat you with respect. And that is the ultimate goal of assertive communication.

Here are some very good books about assertiveness:

Alberti, Robert E., and Emmons, Michael. Your Perfect Right. Revised edition. San Luis Obispo, CA: IMPACT, 1990.

Bower, Sharon, and Bower, Gordon. Asserting Yourself. Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley, 1976.

Bramson, Robert M. Coping with Difficult People. New York: Anchor/Doubleday, 1981.

Butler, Pamela. Self-assertion for Women. San Francisco, CA: Harper & Row, 1981.

Smith, Manual J. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. New York: The Dial Press, 1975.

This handout was created by Vivian Barnette, Ph.D. for the University Counseling Service, The University of Iowa.

Assertive Communication - another good one

Assertive communication - Good one

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