Gita Daily - Why we need to forgive ourselves

Why we need to forgive ourselves

Posted: 15 Jul 2022 06:28 AM PDT

Suppose we have mistreated others grievously in the past. We may resolve to never forgive ourselves as a way to make up for those actions.

However, what does making up for our misdeeds require? Externally, offering apologies and reparations. And internally changing our mental impressions, which are the impellers of our various actions. When we mistreated others, that action arose from an underlying psychic impression of unkindness. If we want to make amends and treat others better in the future, we need to replace that impression of unkindness with an impression of kindness. And the only way we can change our inner impressions is by consciously choosing to act kindly. This means that we treat others kindly — and also treat ourselves kindly. 

Can't we be kind toward others and harsh toward ourselves? Possible briefly, but not sustainably. Why not? Because our habitual actions are determined less by our conscious intentions and more by our subconscious impressions. When we remain unforgiving toward ourselves, we are acting unkindly toward ourselves, thereby reinforcing the inner impression of unkindness. And because our mind dwells much more on ourselves than it does on others, our unkindness toward ourselves will form stronger impressions than our kindness toward others. Over time, these impressions of unkindness will overwhelm the impressions of kindness and impel us to act unkindly toward others too. 

To sustainably change ourselves, kindness has to begin at home: we need to forgive ourselves. Pertinently, the Bhagavad-gita (12.13) urges us to be a kind friend toward everyone, wherein everyone includes us too.  

One-sentence summary: 

When we refuse to forgive ourselves for our past misdeeds, we are unwittingly trying to make up for our past unkindness toward others with our present unkindness toward ourselves; but the only sustainable way to make up for unkindness is by kindness, toward others and toward ourselves too. 

Think it over: 

  • What does making up for our misdeeds require?
  • Why can't we be kind toward others and harsh toward ourselves?
  • In which area of your life do you need to forgive yourself? What is holding you back? How can you remove that obstacle? 

***

12.13: One who is not envious but is a kind friend to all living entities, who does not think himself a proprietor and is free from false ego, who is equal in both happiness and distress – such a devotee of Mine is very dear to Me.

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When contemplating our mistakes helps and when it doesn't …

Posted: 15 Jul 2022 04:59 AM PDT

Humility, which is lauded as a prime virtue in the Bhagavad-gita (13.08), is often misunderstood. One such misunderstanding centers on how it can be developed: we may believe that if we contemplate the many wrongs we have done in the past and beat ourselves up for them, we will thereby develop humility.

It's true that contemplating our past mistakes can help counter the toxic growth of hubris, which is the opposite of humility. Hubris centers on an overestimation of ourselves, especially our talents and virtues. Our mistakes remind us forcefully that we are not as talented or as virtuous as we thought we were, thereby pricking a hole in our hubris. However, hubris is shockingly stubborn; as soon as we forget our mistakes, it rapidly resuscitates itself. To prevent its resurrection, we need to stay aware of our mistakes – or more precisely, of our limitations that those mistakes point to.

How can we stay aware of our limitations? By acknowledging, at least to ourselves, that we can't just take up any difficult task that we want, presuming that we have the necessary ability; and that we can't let ourselves go into any provocative situation, presuming that we have the necessary virtue to avoid getting provoked. When we thus unhesitatingly acknowledge our limitations, we make honesty the natural and sustainable foundation for our humility.

Unfortunately, instead of acknowledging our limitations, we sometimes obsess over the mistakes we committed and beat ourselves up for them. Such self-flagellation only breeds negativity: it makes us believe that we are too flawed and fallible to ever do anything worthwhile; it depletes our confidence that we can do some good, however small; it eventually destroys our will to even try to do any good. Thus, we end up becoming reservoirs and radiators of negativity.

That's why we need to evaluate whether our contemplation on our mistakes is helping us or harming us.

One-sentence summary.

Contemplating our mistakes to stay aware of our limitations fosters humility; contemplating those mistakes to beat ourselves up breeds negativity. 

Think it over: 

  • How can contemplating our mistakes counter hubris? 
  • How can we stay aware of our limitations? 
  • How is beating ourselves up for our mistakes counterproductive? 

***

13.08: Humility; pridelessness; nonviolence; tolerance; simplicity; approaching a bona fide spiritual master; cleanliness; steadiness; self-control; … [ – all these I declare to be knowledge].

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How to deal with differences of opinion

Posted: 13 Jul 2022 11:55 AM PDT

As each one of us humans is an irreducible individual, we all will have different backgrounds, experiences and perspectives. This will sooner or later lead to mutual differences of opinion. Generally, we learn to live with such differences; we consciously or unconsciously adopt the motto, "Live and let live."

However, such coexistence becomes difficult when the two sides see the differences of opinion differently. Suppose one side considers the difference super-important, whereas the other side considers the difference to be inconsequential. This second side doesn't get worked up about the difference, whereas the first side gets worked up about that difference — and gets even more worked up seeing that the other side is not at all worked up. The first side labels the second side insensitive, even monstrously insensitive. Incensed by such labeling, the second side labels the first side hypersensitive, even rabidly hypersensitive. And thus begins the wall of polarization that separates, scalds and scars both sides, making the lives of both miserable, even unlivable. 

How can this be avoided? Through empathy, The Bhagavad-gita (06.32) urges us to see the shared spirituality that can unify all of us; this implies that just as we take our first-person experience seriously, so do others take their first-person experience seriously. If the first side tries to understand why the other side doesn't consider the differences so serious and the second side tries to understand why the first side considers the differences so serious, both can come to a better mutual understanding, even if they don't come to mutual agreement on that issue. With that improved mutual understanding, they can connect with each other better and thereby learn how to live with their differences. 

One-sentence summary: 

Differences of opinions can be lived with; differences in opinion about the importance of those differences can make life unlivable. 

Think it over:

  • Why are differences of opinion natural?
  • What happens when two sides differ about the importance of their mutual differences?
  • How can such a mismatch be addressed? 

***

06.32: He is a perfect yogi who, by comparison to his own self, sees the true equality of all beings, in both their happiness and their distress, O Arjuna!

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