(Kadamba Kanana Swami, March 2018, Durban, South Africa, Human Relationships Lecture)

Krsna is always showing us the next step in our spiritual lives. So if it is clear that the next step is that you should be doing more, then we should take that step. If you feel, “Krsna is showing me that the next step is to develop love for him“, then do it!

You have these karate movies where the young karate character come out and makes all these moves and he is going really fast on all sides. But then an old Kung-Fu master comes out and does not make all these moves, but instead just has this one concentrated move. And then all of a sudden, everyone is flying in all directions and gets knocked out. (laughter) So in the beginning, we are like these young karate guys trying to run around, but we lack depth and we lack the real concentration and focus. We are trying to be busy for Krsna, trying to always chant, read and so on. But what we really need to work on is to deepen ourselves through our relationships and go deeper in our commitment to Krsna. This is the beginning step and it helps us in making Krsna the real priority. After all, he is the Supreme!

Nothing is really important except Krsna. We must truly understand this. Even in our relationships – our marriage, our friends and our families – if it does not help us go deeper in our relationship with Krsna, then what is the point of it!? Otherwise, we are just creating a beautiful illusion for ourselves, which is totally meaningless. If we are not trying to make our children Krsna conscious, then what is the point of having them? If we want to give our children Krsna consciousness, we cannot do it by dictation. We cannot do it by rules, “You must do this. You must not do that.” Such harshness will not work in the long run. Instead, we must pass Krsna consciousness through inspiration, by setting an example. Kids never do what you say, but they do what you do. So we must attempt to the best of our ability to be a devotee and conquer them with devotion; only then they will be amazing devotees.

If somebody has nice qualities, it impresses us. A thousand lessons from a book about moral behaviour would not work as much as the impressions from an inspiring person would. Relationships are a big thing! So if you are looking to engage in relationships and starting a family, you have to aspire to be spiritually advanced. 

(Kadamba Kanana Swami, 08 March 2015, Stockholm, Sweden, Srimad Bhagavatam 3.1.4)

Transcribed by Nama-rupa dd

Question: Guru Maharaj, you mentioned that in the material world, there is no love. I am thinking about friendship, is there friendship in this material world and what is the nature of friendship?

Love, friendship, society, togetherness, one-for-all and all-for-one, does not exist. Kavi Karnapura describes friendship in the Caitanya Candrodaya Nataka and he points out that for friendship to exist, there is a need for certain conditions to be met.

First, one has to receive the mercy of the Lord so that he gets in touch with transcendental knowledge, Krsna-prasade paya bhakti-lata-bija (Caitanya Caritamrta Madhya 19.151). You have to get in contact with devotees otherwise where else is there real friendship!?

Materialistic friendship is always mixed with some material motive, some personal motive so real friendship must be based on receiving the mercy of the Lord.  When you receive the mercy of the Lord then you come into the association of devotees and attachment to devotees must develop, and from being in that association, gradually you evolve.

Then Kavi Karnapura explains the next level that you get – it is the level of thoughtfulness and discrimination. You begin to kind of reflect on the meaning of life and in that way, you mature as a person and you don’t just respond with outbursts and this and that. NO! You respond more thoughtfully and in a deeper way. Then you get to the non-envious platform.

After this thoughtfulness and discrimination becomes strong, in the association of devotees, then you get equanimity – a state of mind which becomes balanced. You become balanced in the mind. At that state, you can realize non-envy and it says that then you can actually be a friend. Then friendship is possible!

Kavi Karnapura explains it like that. So it is interesting; he gives conditions before real friendship can develop and to the degree that these conditions are not met, to that degree we are lacking in friendship.

Sometimes even when you are married, you wonder, “Is this person actually my friend?” You are married but you are wondering, “Are we friends? Are we at least friends? What to speak of love! I mean friends! Is this person actually my friend, through-and-through, you know, through thick and thin… Is this person really my well-wisher??”

There are different Sanskrit definitions for friendship. Maitri is a word used which is more general. Another word that is used is suhrit, close to the heart. That gives a higher aspect, very intimate. So among vaishnavas, it must become like that.

But before we can have friendships, we have to go through these stages: we need the mercy of the Lord, we need to develop attachment to serving the devotees, and we need to be with devotees in proper etiquette. Then we become thoughtful and then we get discrimination from these devotees.

In this verse (Srimad Bhagavatam 3.1.4), it says sadhu-vada, things approved by the learned circles, so that we understand what is approved by saints and sages and then it becomes our second nature. It is happening. Like certain foodstuffs are obviously not approved by saints and sages, and we don’t even think of touching them. We don’t have to tell ourselves, it becomes a part of our second nature.

So this discrimination and thoughtfulness becomes a part of our nature, and when we have absorbed it to that extent then you have non-envy and equanimity, a balanced state of mind. Then, you can be a friend all the time!

Like that, friendship takes some time. When you are dealing with someone under the modes of nature, today he is your friend and tomorrow not so much because tomorrow he is the friend of his mind. Tomorrow he is controlled by his senses, tomorrow he is riding on the back of that inner boar and then he is maybe not your friend.

When I had a Vedic marriage, it was done by Bhavananda and he made us promise, he said to me, “You must always bring your wife to devotional service, to Krsna.”  And he said to her, “But when he deviates then you become like a lion, like a tiger and you just somehow or other pull him back.” So that was something I remembered.

So friendship also means that with our weaknesses, we are still trying to help each other and that is nice but Kavi Karnapura takes it to a higher level for friendship to really flourish.

(Kadamba Kanana Swami, 11 April 2014, Cape Town, South Africa, Lecture at House Program)

In a small temple, with predominately congregational devotees – that means devotees who are maintaining a life outside the temple and who have limited time and energy – I think we should appreciate the time spent together and maintain relationships. Because especially in a congregational gathering, more than ever, we need friendship. You know, it is like if you have a little military army living in a temple and all are on a mission. Even if there is no such friendship, still all are together in the same mission. But when you do not have that kind of driving energy then the only reason to come together is for friendship. So that is a big challenge but I think that is the key.

Like, we are here tonight, at somebody’s house and that is very nice, that is how it should be. If devotees have not been in your house for a while then you must start thinking about it and arrange for them to come. Even if your house is small, it does not matter – squeeze in somehow or other – because bonding is important. So we need to stay close and in an congregational setting, friendship is a big element, if you want to be with people. If you do not really want to be with them then you are not going to be with them. In the temple, whether you want to be together or not, you have to be for mangala aarti. But in a congregation, if you do not want to be together then why would you be? You only go to programs that you want to.

In friendship, you have to conquer people, do something to win them over. You have to do something that touches their heart, and then we have real friendships. Friendship can never be taken for granted and it is not cheap, but that is what we need. I guess, you can say big things about friendship but you can also make it very simple. In one way, a very simple approach is to not give each other a hard time – sort of, make it easy for each other and it counts for everybody, even at home! You know, friendship begins at home, if we just sort of try and make it easy for each other, that would help.

Devotee: Maharaj, does that not defeat the high thinking society ideal?

It depends on what you call easy. I did not mean that we should lose the purity but we should accommodate each other a lot and be sensitive to each other’s needs, that is what I meant. Making it easy for each other means that we should think of everybody’s needs, and not just of our own, then that creates friendship. So we try to think of the needs of others.