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/Good one about perception and reality../
Published on /Vaisnava Families Resources/
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karnamrita.das's blog
> "Subjective Reality" in Relationships
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======== "SUBJECTIVE REALITY" IN RELATIONSHIPS ===============================

By /karnamrita.das/ Created /May 23 2008 - 19:09/
There are different opinions regarding social issues or spiritual philosophy.
Any perspective, side of an issue, or point can be carried to an extreme in
relation to others.

I tend to me on the middle of most issues, much to the chagrin of those who
strongly advocate different perspective or causes. I do have strong opinions
on certain issues, yet I am usually not on the front lines of confrontation.
Ideally, even when I disagree I try to see the other perspective, and
understand why the person holds the conviction they do. In India the
traditional way of establishing philosophical or spiritual conclusions
(siddhanta) is to support one's experience or understanding from the Vedic
revealed scripture. First one presents ones thesis with appropriate Vedic
texts. Then one argues in favor of the opposing argument, and then "defeats"
it (although the term "defeat" is not very useful for happy married life). I
take this part of siddhanta as really trying to understand the "other" side,
or walk in the other persons shoes.

Seeing and appreciating both sides is very useful in couples counseling,
where we often have two very different interpretations of past activities, or
even current communication. Usually the truth is somewhere in the middle.
In any case, whether one person is "right" and another person "wrong", my
wife and I try to impress upon the couple the conception of "subjective
reality". Sometimes we have to say to a couple, "Do you want to be right, or
in love (or stay married)?" Each spouse has to respect the other, and their
different views on issues or perspectives on the KC philosophy.

Subjective reality means that each one of us understands things according to
our particular psychological "filters" (our past conditioning and
experience). This is the meaning of the "new age" saying that "perception is
reality" (not ultimate reality, but personal reality). Some
people---including devotees---have a very hard time with this. This can be
especially the case when their subjective reality has become dressed in the
"clothes" of spiritual philosophy, and therefore must be right.

An example of our subjective reality "being dressed in spiritual clothes"
might be when we come to a spiritual or religious path with strong views
about---lets say certain social considerations---and then find some
statements supporting them (or that COULD support them). Then we might be
unwilling to accept another view even if supported by scripture and/or
practical experience or considerations.
As scientists have a "knowledge filter" by beginning with the idea that life
comes from chemicals, or that evolutions is true, and then only accept
"evidence" that supports this view, and person with strong opinions can also
have knowledge filters regarding their cherished view, theory, or application
of philosophy.

In regards to a marriage or a relationship, whatever view a person has
regarding social issues if their spouse or potential spouse has a different
view, then those differences have to be discussed and at least harmonized and
respected. In premarital counseling, we often see how different each persons
views can be on many different issues: from roles of men and women, household
duties, earning money, education, child raising philosophy etc.
Some people fanatically stress the traditional roles, while others stress
that couples should do whatever works for them considering the unique natures
of both persons and their type of conditioning and education, etc.(and some
devotees fall somewhere in the middle).

These differences can usually be worked out if each person has flexibility,
sufficient compatibility, and desire for spiritual and personal growth as the
ultimate goal. However, these perspectives are best worked out before
marriage. Otherwise they are sure to become problems for the couples during
their marriage. Couples also have to explore and share their expectations for
their marriage, and genuinely and continually appreciate their life partner's
unique perspective and nature.

It is interesting that often a person just before marriage, or newly married,
expects their spouse to be a mind reader and know them without discussion, or
they just assume their spouse thinks like they do. That type of thinking is a
recipe for disaster.

To conclude, we all need to understand the nature of subjective reality in
all our relationships, whether as spouse, parent, leader, business partner,
guru, monk, disciple, student, employee or whatever our position is. Then we
can have meaningful and more respectful communication in all our dealings
with others, despite differences.

*To borrow from Steven Covey, "Seek first to understand, then to be
understood".***

* different views [4]
* marriage [5]
* premarial counseling
* relationships [6]
* roles of men and women.

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[4] http://www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org/category/free-tag/different-views
[5] http://www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org/category/free-tag/marriage
[6] http://www.vaisnavafamilyresources.org/category/free-tag/relationships
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--
Yours
Dinesh
Blog:http://dinesh-krsna.blogspot.com

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